Recently, my two friends who manage a nightclub in the Warehouse District in Austin, have asked me to retort on Yelp.com to some undeservedly scathing reviews. I figured I would take the time first to help educate the public on how to not be a complete online whiny vaginy after what is supposed to be a fun night out on the town.

First thing, you should take my style of writing as an example. You will learn more about it as you read on- but notice as you read on- that there is nothing I say that would lead you to say “Hey, I am really starting to get the feeling this person is a pussy ass bitch.” Okay, so the lesson here today is to always have fun- and have zero excuse or need to complain from having not.

Basically one of the worst character traits a person can have in my opinion is complainavitis. You would think that on the voyages settlers took from other countries to the states, that this trait, would have been culled out of future Americans. By other passengers having tossed over said culprits into the ocean on the sides of the ship.

If one person was suffering from the runs and diarrhea rash, then I am sure half the ship was. The last thing anyone wants to endure while they wince from rectum rash is hearing someone complain about how bad their butt hole hurts.

So, when a club is designed for the effect of MAXIMUM FUN for it’s genre of clientele (In this case- bottle popping hotties with dance inducing DJ followers) and a customer runs and tattles on Yelp… I have to look at the complainer(s) closely and assess what the situation is. And instead of complaining about the complainers themselves- resolve the issue for them. Albeit a bit a chastisement.

One of the first problems I noticed- especially about this one super magnum Yelping vagina- Chadwick (names are not changed to protect the guilty) was that he is your typical lard ass who got older and frustrated about not being able to earn lunch money from bullying anymore. I imagine there is also some frustration from finally realizing that he is indeed not as smart as he once thought and tries to hide it by writing complaints on Yelp. Or… in fact, praising places or things he is a part of on there in hopes of getting a girl’s attention (I am deducing from the way his tone and manner go to heightened pleasantry that mocks a sunflower swaying in the wind on a sunny day- you know- like when you are near a friend and they get a call from a person they “like“? Yeah, you get it).

But in fact, was this landlocked manatee does to himself is further reduce his chances of ever getting laid by sounding like a sewing machine in Thailand (to be honest I am not sure what that means but it sounds bad so I’ll go with it) and not like anything someone who is alive would sleep with. Unless, you yourself are alive and would like to fuck a Thai sewing machine. Then I can help you both out.

Now, if Chadwick was here in front of me to give advice to I’d have to start with, “Look… Man… You are fat. And your beady eyes remind me of the retard in Sling Blade. Don’t go to these bars or you will be on Yelp by noon tomorrow.” I’d then precede to name every bar and nightclub downtown, making exceptions to only a few of the places where I’d know for a FACT, retarded whale blubber has a chance of procreating.

I have no idea where those bars might be in fact, so I’d have to do some research before sending this disproportionately sized genitalia owner off to some glory hole exploration. The thought of such exploration hurts my brain and terrifies me in ways Socrates couldn’t even philosophize about.

Now, looking at things from my direction I might find myself moved to a position not anywhere like his- but for arguments sake- an upset tone- if I spent my much anticipated night of fun- in the wrong scene. I get that. But he DIDN’T do the necessary research. So he DID go to a club he DIDN’T like.

So here are some tips for ALL of us so that we may avoid this blunder of going somewhere we might not enjoy.

1. DO research on the places you plan to go out to that night and don’t just go by what a friend you just met says or worse yet- Yelp. Ask the people you work with- that you want to sleep with- where they hang out. But be reasonable as well. If you want to sleep with someone and you are a 2 and they are a “higher than you can count” (an 8 or above)- then where their hangout is going to seem like as much fun as learning to use an abacus while suffering from arthritis. You are not going to fit in, you will have more than a zero chance of the zero chance you usually have of getting laid and you will probably also get in a car wreck that night. I am not guaranteeing that you will get in a car wreck but seeing as how your night will be going so far that is probably also likely to happen. That or meningitis.
2. DON’T be fat or ugly. If you are fat or ugly, you probably want to stay in the nightclubs where others who are fat and ugly or blind and… also stupid hang out. I myself have a slight midsection potbelly and hide it with well draped shirts and make up for it with a penis that is still 100% visible to myself when I masturbate. The most important thing to remember if you are fat and/or ugly is that you are unmotivated and it’s obvious. And that is unattractive just like the rolls and waves and caves of your body. You could either workout and/or tan. Tanning cures like 70% of ugliness I hear. If you are Mexican or African-American this is not any real solution so I suggest a nice car, athleticism or a day time talk show. Unless you are rich or are an extremely funny writer like myself you are fucked. But not. So don’t go to clubs or bars where people are tan or on talk shows during the day.
3. DO stand by the door of a place you are unsure of and listen to what the door guy says to other people who have not read this article. If you hear them say “We have a dress code“, then you should maybe think twice about the Hot Topic shirt you are wearing with a huge samurai embroidered across the front that you thought was a bit expensive at $45 before getting in line.
4. DON’T go to any other bar downtown other than Maggie Mae’s or Logan’s if you are white, and belong to a frat/sorority. Please. I will commend you all though for dressing like your parents and their parents and so on since pastel colors were invented. That’s commitment.
5. Bars and nightclubs are NOT restaurants. Please understand this you idiots that think so. It is a high stress job at times, especially in packed places and the staff is there to serve you drinks and make sure you are safe, mostly from your dumb ass drunk self. That’s it. They are not there to kiss your ass. They are there to serve you drinks so you can go and dance, talk shit, and make merry. They deal with drunk ass jerks all night long, who think they are better somehow because they are drunk, while they, the staff, are working. The staff at any point can go get a sad, boring, POSSIBLY better paying job- definitely making more than you- the next day- but you are still going to be an asshole. So don’t complain because you tipped that bartender a $5 bill and she looked at you like the retard you are when you thought that would get her number.
6. DO always bring gum when drinking. Your breath stinks at some point after drinking. Believe it. You are NOT special. Your breath stinks. Unless I am so pungently drunk that my breath smells like kerosene also. And if I am that drunk, it does, and I know this, so I carry gum. And I chew it. So your face doesn’t catch on fire. Because I have manners. Except when I write. Anyway, quit smiling and buy some gum; also there is some lettuce stuck in your teeth. You got i.. No, right there… the other side…. Okay, you got it. AND…. keep your face a MINIMUM of 1 and a half feet from my face at all times. If you feel it’s too loud in the bar and you MUST break that barrier… Then remember- what you have to say isn’t important and/or I don’t care. (This tip is for my enjoyment and not yours but was still worth mentioning).
7. JUST be fun. If you are a fun person then none of the above really matters at all (except the gum and close-talking). Bring your A-game whenever you step out your front door. The world is made up of so many people with so many different ideas that you are never really going to mesh with everyone but if you are fun to be around, then way more people will indeed mesh with you. And when people are happy to be around you, you will be happy also. Going out and looking to have a bad time will get you just that. Remember: Chadwick from Yelp- fat, ugly, retarded, bad dressing people need loving too, and there is a female walrus right around the corner I am sure. Just be patient and optimistic. There is no reason to blow steam out your forehead portal every time you go out and don’t get laid. Also $8 bucks is not an expensive drink in the warehouse, and definitely not L.A. prices for the type of club counterpart you are complaining of here in Austin. Just stick to Red River buddy. The Phoenix will not miss you.

About the author:

Tedzilla is a writer for The New York Times, Family Guy, National Geographic, The Red Hot Chili Pepper album covers, Frito Lay, and hopes that one day one of these writings will actually get published at one of these entities. He has written songs for Bjork, Elvis Presley, Yogi Bear, David Hasselhoff and Julius Caesar but as yet has not received a phone call. Currently he is famous across the world amongst 656 people on his Facebook and concedes he is in fact addicted to York Peppermint Patty…. commercials. Which, he says are unfortunately few and far between these days. He is willing to pay top dollar for any VHS tapes out there.[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]