Hey fellow Feeders and Feed readers, Tedzilla here, and I am back- this time with a review on District 301’s crawfish party this last Sunday. I will also probably ramble about this or that because that’s just what I do- I go off on tangents. It makes for a much more eye-gasmic, synaptic firing, belch inducing, reading experience- in my somewhat humble opinion.

Ahhh, crawfish… Lobsteruswannabe Buttsmallerus.

Its mere name summons visions of large metal vats filled with spices and lemons. The vision of the cooked, clawed, critters induce a heightened heartbeat from the anticipation of numbness in the lips. Usually caused by the accompanying corn which seems to soak up everything hot then release it as fiery burning kernels in your mouth.

Beer. Hearing “crawfish” will also make you think of that.

Now, if you are like me: you have a penis and like tits… Then you probably like beer on some level. I am what you would call a mans man (Notice there is no apostrophe before the “s”? Very important). Now, you may be saying things to yourself right now along the lines of, “A lot of things make me think of drinking beer.” Of course they do. Things like sports and sex. Ironically, things you probably aren’t as good at after having drank a few.

“Mmmm. Beer.” Said the great Homer. Probably both of them.

Baseball… I am sorry to say is not America’s pastime. It’s drinking beer. I am here to tell you though, that of all the American pastimes that coincide with beer… None in my mind go more hand in hand than outdoor cooking and beer. And since crawfish is in season and on the rise THIS time of year and barbecuing is not quite in full effect- crawfish and beer should be your “go to” right now for your outdoor fun time needs.

Now, of course I am going to endorse the bar I work at over any other bars, and except for one (who posted the day after I did that they would be giving away free crawfish the rest of the season on Sundays as well), no one is really competing with our Sunday boil. Actually, the only other “free” crawfish boil is at Hudson on Tuesdays. The crowd seems to be more of a touristy, new to Austin, happy hour crowd there. Not your typical downtown going out crowd. Maybe it seems that way due to an acute lack of makeup on some of the females. I don’t know. I go to this “boil” with friends and have a good time… But I must warn you, the crawfish go fast and the wait kind of sucks. And they don’t buy a whole lot it seems. Also, they do not purge the crawfish. But overall it get’s 4 and a half stars out of five from me.

You may be asking what does “purge” mean. Generally all animals are classified or are known as heterotrophs; basically organisms which consume other organisms for sustenance. This sustenance becomes fuel for the body and what is left over is henceforth known as feces or poop… also known as… doo doo, shit, caca, bean strings, blind eels, turds, bowel movements, Hershey Kisses, monkey tails, water logs, cagadita, cagadota, butt nuggets, cigar fish, codswallops, floaters, kakashkas, lumpy farts, Ke$ha.

Now, not to be gross or put you off from crawfish, but these little animals have a little bit of Ke$ha that runs through their tail, just as shrimp do. Therefore it is highly necessary to “purge” them of this foul material before boiling and then ingesting them. This is a time consuming process. But at District 301 we take the time and make the effort to make our crawfish as delectable as possible before being swallowed with your favorite swig of ale. This is a trade secret and not many people on the street know how to do this. It has been passed on down from father to son since the dinosaur ages. Basically, I am going to divulge the complicated and systematic process here for you the valued reader.

First, you must obtain the crawfish. They need to be alive. I don’t know if you have ever tried to poop when dead but it isn’t easy. I remember this time one time in former life #817… oh, oops, I am rambling again. Okay, so now you have live crawfish. Possibly bought from the Fiesta supermarket. Who knows?

Next, get a large container of water. A cooler or bucket will suffice.

After the first two things I mentioned before this- stick the crawfish in a field of wild daisies.

Hold on, that was another thing for something else… Ahh yes!! Stick them in the water for at least a half an hour.

Now you are privy to the secret trades of how we make our crawfish deliciously shit free.

In other news, I saw a good many friends come out on Sunday to join us including your very own Bak. I ate and worked and drank and ate more and enjoyed a surprisingly fun filled evening. It was such a success that Jen Shoemaker announced to me that we will be doing this every Sunday as long as the season lasts. The atmosphere is totally laid back and you can come in right off the water and not worry for one second about feeling under dressed. And the venue is a beautiful place with flat screens all around and Treme the HBO series get’s played to keep the authentic feel of New Orlean’s emanating where the tradition of eating crawfish was born.

I have other things to do so I must wrap this up. I hope to see some of you this Sunday- and ask for Ted if you read this and would like to introduce your boobs to me.[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]