I’ve been to most bars/clubs downtown at least once…(some of em, I’ll never step in again). Based on my observations, I’ve distinguished 5 types of bars/clubs downtown:

#1: The College Bar

We all know this type…It is usually packed with college kids…(haha, kids…that makes me sound old)…The bar always has at least 3 or 4 screens showing All-American sports the whole night…mostly football and baseball…Therefore, they attract a buncha frat-lookin white guys who come to enjoy a game, drinkin’ Miller, Budweiser, Coors, or whatever beer they would be drinkin if they were at home doin the same thing (or whatever beer sponsors the place cuz they’ll usually have banners and neons signs of whatever beer supposedly tastes better)…So basically, you can see ’em all posted up, eyes glued to the big screens makin’ John Madden comments and playin’ coach between each sip and glance at the cute bartender…Those are the cargo-shorts wearin, Texas shirt rockin’, weird necklace wearin’ (like they’ve travelled but never left Texas), raggedy ass hat toppin’, flip-flop steppin’, “dude”-all-the-time sayin’, big truck-drivin’-but nothing to haul, record-in-keg stands holdin’, high-fivin’ guys whose best pickup line is “are you in my psychology class“…So you believe me when I say that these bars have a very high level of testosterone in the air…and often have some dumbass kicked out cuz he’s too drunk or started actin rowdy…

Now girls that go there too…They’re about the same as the guys…with the flip-flops and Texas gear all over..including panties…and if UT made tampons with the longhorn on the string, they’d wear that too…Those girls can get like the guys described above…Lotsa beer will make those girls act stupid sometimes…and at some point, at least one of em will jump on the bar and show everybody how she would strut their stuff if she dropped outta college and ended up dancing at a strip joint…And trust me, that’ll get those guys off the game for a few minutes and cheer at the girls on the bar…makin’ sure that they can get em another shot once they get off the bar…

There’s also a standard position all these people must acquire and learn to master to adhere to their world…its the Straight Up L-Shape Stance…Lemme explain, the person must stand in an upright position…girls, pump your breasts out…Guys, stand as straight as possible as if you have a ruler in your back…but!!…make you make an L-shape with the arm that’s holdin the beer…that is very important…i dunno why…but i just noticed that a while ago…(just like when you go to frat and sorority parties)…Also the word you’ll hear the most in those bars is :”WOOOOHOOOO“…if you can call that a word…From passin’ by your friends, takin a shot, high-fivin’ everybody who looks at you, see the bartender make a shot by settin it on fire with his mouth, a touchdown, a girl humpin her friend on the bar, some guy tryin’ to dance to Lil’ Wayne like he would dance to Cotten-Eye-Joe, or just the DJ yellin’ out “somebody scream!!” (if there’s one cuz some of these bars have an iPod for a DJ), that’s the word you’ll hear the most…From The Library, Soho, Chuggin’ Monkey, Dizzy Rooster, and all the ones in between, that’s what you get…If that’s your type of spot, no offense…As for me, I don’t speak Woohoo…

#2: The Dance Club

Well, this is the one girls go to when they all get together and one of ’em says: “Kelly, Stacy, Mandy, Cindy, Wendy, I wanna dance my ass off tonight!!…“…And thats when they decide to wear the same shit…Blue jeans for everybody…but they have different colors for the same top…Blue, Black, Pink, Red, Green…lookin’ like Power Rangers…Once they’ve synchronized their watches and picked the driver, they all get in one car…start singin’ on their way to the dance club…Once they get there, you can always spot em out…These Power Rangers always throw their hands in the air as soon as they walk passed the bouncer and apparently speak Woohoo fluently too…Then here’s the plan…they all go straight to the bathroom and have a secret meeting…I don’t know what they talk about cuz I was never invited in there…but I’m pretty sure, it has to do with guys they saw as they were walkin and sumthin about make-up…I dunno why you’d talk to someone while she’s takin a leak (or worse) but I guess thats why Im a guy…Anyway, the crew comes back out ready to take on the club…As they tightly hold hands on their way to the dance floor, they ignore every guy on the way…(for now)…And there they are, in a circle like a unpenetrable force field (they really are like Power Rangers) with their purses in the middle…speakin Woohoo the whole time…No guy can brake that circle…Guys, you have to be invited to enter this wall of ass and tits…Now, its time for our lovely Rangers to activate the humpin’ train formation…This is when they get behind each other, takin the whole room on the dancefloor, so tightly that if they had dicks, they’d be pokin each other right now…They love that position…How come? Do they have dick fantasies or sumthin?…I believe so and for the same reason, at least one of em gets on the only pole in the club and run up and down like a stripper…and remember, girls start the dancefloor, NOT guys!!…(unless you think you a good dancer and you tryin to put on a show)…

Well, so far, no guy has showed up yet…but trust me, they’re around lurkin’, watchin carefully, tryin to spot the weak/drunk one in the pack…just like cheetahs huntin’ for gazelles…they are always close by…about 4 of ’em…just waitin’ for the right opportunity…and BANG!…as soon as she separates herself from the pack, she gets poked…”Guess who? and guess what? I can hump you better than your girlfriend and I have the equipment to prove it“…That’s what’s goin thru the guy’s mind, by the way…and off they go…not really in sync tho…notice how the girl goes down every 10 seconds…and…the guy is desparately tryin to follow the girl’s ass and hips movement with his dick like its a joystick and he’s tryin to enter a secret code on Nintendo…Left Right Left Right Up Down Up Down B(oobs) A(ss) Select and START!!…Unless the guy is really into that girl (or drunk and doesnt care)…He’ll give up because it’s hard to keep up with an ass…

There’s another thing…The music…DJs will play whatever to get the crowd going until a Ranger comes up and asks for My Neck, My Back…And please, learn how to mix before you even consider DJin’ at a club…Mixin’ does NOT mean, lowerin’ the volume on Deck 1 and turnin’ up the volume on Deck 2…You have a laptop computer with Serato, turn tables, big ass headphones and you still can’t mix for shit?!?…You might as well step off and let a tape play all night…or a full playlist on your iPod set to random or shuffle is better than you are…Also, at a dance club, you will spill your drink eventually…while dancin’ (those who’ve seen me know what I’m talkin about) or just by walkin around…and please, please, please…nobody needs a fucking lighthouse on the dancefloor…you know who you are…you tall muthafuckas standing there, scopin the scene…if you ended gettin kicked in the kneecap, don’t complain..you asked for it…

Now back to our Rangers…They’ve probably had a lot to drink by now cuz Mr. Pokey from earlier bought ’em all drinks….but what Mr. Pokey forgets is that Rangers stick together…They ain’t leavin nobody behind…One of em goes “we gotta go, Rangers!! Assemble!!!” and they’re off the next dance club to do the same thing all over again…So if you thought that cuz you were able to play nintendo on her ass earlier and bought her and her friends a drink, you were gon get lucky…WRONG!!…you may now go back to your boys (who pushed you to dance with ’em in the first place, callin’ you a pussy…but didnt have the balls to do it demselves) and tell ’em how these Rangers were all bitches…and go back to standin’ around the dancefloor lookin’ for more “bitches”…and by the way, drunk people dancin’ the funniest thing you’ll see there…It doesnt matter how you do it…you havin a good time…you dancin’, throwin your hands all over the place like you havin a seizure, doin the Heel Toe, keepin doin body rolls the whole night, shakin your ass like a Polaroid Picture…Just get yo groove on…

#3: The Scene

Theses spots can be bars, clubs or lounges, mostly located in the Warehouse District and West 6th…and only pretty people are allowed in…Power Rangers don’t usually go there cuz there’s no room to dance…So basically, here’s what I’ve observed…14 fake boobs per square foot walkin around stiff like Nazi soldiers goin “dont look at me, dont look at me, eyes up here but I am the hottest thing alive” having modelling dreams turned to stripper fantasies goin up and down each other every time the song hits the chorus, callign each other “girlfriend” thinkin they living the life where The Hills, Sex In The City and Desperate Housewives meet…5 white buff pretty boys per square foot goin “damn, i’d hit dat, and dat..and dat too…lets try the Im-a-personal-trainer spiel followed by a shot of tequila, or stick to a high-5 followed by a shot of yager, or just nod at the music pretendin to have any rhythm, followed by shot of whisky” walking around with 3 of his look-alike friends who look like rejects from the cast of O.C. or the Jersey Shore, ex-high school jocks who pray every nite for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday Nights Football…$6+ drinks…no dancefloor…and if there’s one, its the 5 square feet right in front of the DJ booth…

Speaking of DJ, the music will be some house/techno remix or mashup of a popular song. People sit around bottles and act like they run the place. Or they just stand around and talk. I don’t what there is to talk about while some techno song with no name and a very monotonous beat that resembles a cardiogram of someone on extacy is playing. Especially if you need to repeat yourself 5 times before getting your point across, I don’t see the point. But people can have full conversations about whatever the whole time. I don’t know about you but when people talk into my ear, it tickles. So let’s talk outside or after the place closes. Plus I don’t think that what you have say involves how to come out the recession or solve global warming so it can probably wait.

If you wanna be “seen” like they say, well, go to those spots…but walk with your chest out at all times (guys and girls)…You’ll notice that guys don’t really walk around…they stay at one spot and watch the Jessica Simpsons lookalike wannabees walk by like a fashion show…These people also speak Woohoo but it takes more than a body roll and an shot on fire to get em excited…they are kinda stuck up…like it’s a rule to have a broom stick stuck up your ass upon entry…So you usually just stand there and take notes on how not to approach someone from the opposite sex…That kinda scene is funny to watch…but only for a few minutes…After that, the fakeness of it all hits you in the back of the head to stimulate the nerve in your brain that sends a message to your legs sayin “get yo ass outta there!!“…I’d stop there only if I have a good reason…like a bartender or a DJ I know…or just simply to people watch (which is enuff of a reason)…But I rarely stay more than 15 minutes…

#4: The Ghetto Spot

First of all, any spot can turn ghetto after a while…And I don’t call it that because of the people that go there…I think it’s just more about the vibe…In these spots, people like walls for some reason…they lean against em all the time…especially guys…maybe they’re scared to be poked in the butt…or scared to be tackled…or maybe they have a big ass stain on the back of their shirt…i dunno…they are like picket fences…nothin moves them…maybe a slight nod of the head showin they appreciate the music like guys in the Scene…but at least they don’t pretend to have rhythm…but they like to be straight up when approachin a lady…sumthin like “Yo! Can I get your number?” or “you’re so fiiine…” or sumtimes, they don’t even talk…they just grab them by the arm…and whisper in their ear sum bullshit…I’ve never seen that approach work…but maybe it does…Just never seen it…

How to spot a ghetto spot? First sign, the picket fence…then, the music…oh yea…we in the South here so you can’t get escape all the Dirty South stuff…and white girls that can hang in that type of environment and still do the It’s Goin’ Down dance without missing a beat, my hat is off to you…There’s not much of any dancin goin on unless the song involves a dance…from Cupid Shuffle, Shoulder Lean, Soulja Boy’s Dance, Snap Yo Fingers or The Two Step…I have yet to see a buncha tuff guys do the Chicken Noodle Soup dance…that’ll be funny…Most of the time, you could see the head-line (like the sky-line but just lookin at the top of the heads) and its flatter than the flattest Denny’s waitress’ chest because nobody is jumping up and down. Of course, the bathrooms is way in the back…if you’re out with your girl friends, and she’s gotta go to the bathroom, challenge her by countin how many times she’ll feel a hand on her body…my guess is about more than 3 times…I got nuthin against these places…I’m just not a fan…and again, any place can be ghetto…its just a matter of going on a good night…as long as you’re havin a good time…Do your thing. All power to you…

#5: The Hybrid

It’s basically a mix of the above two…yes, the above two…but sometimes the Woohoo people from the College Bars will show up…You’ll find a dancefloor there…Not as big as the Dance Clubs but still enuff room to do your thing…Pretty people from the Scene will come thru also…but they won’t act like they own the place like in their environment…

Over here, a pack of Power Rangers who came to have one of the Rangers’ bachelorette party…They are probably the most accessorized girls you’ll see…with cone hats, dildos, crowns and all types of unnecessary shit they put down in the middle of their circle of trust when they dance…And over here, the pack of guys plannin how they gon get the Power Rangers…from behind that is..on the dancefloor…sneaky as always…Over there, DJ Such N’ Such, playin whats hot right now…Good stuff and bad stuff…

But what makes a Hybrid is really the people that go there too…whenever you go somewhere, and there’s too much of one race, it seems awkward…White Allright, Asian Invasion, Black Attack, Latino Embargo, Indian Incursion all suck…it doesnt matter where you are and how tuff you are, you will feel outta place…unless your family is from all these regions of the world…Hybrid brings a lil of everybody so you may learn how to say “You are hot” or “what do you want to drink” in Spanish, Mandarin, Ebonics, Punjabi and Texan…

This was all in my perspective…You may not like what I had to say about your spot…Do what you do, go where you wanna go…I dont really care…I just felt like writin this…If I had to sum it up in 1 sentence, here it goes:
“People, have fun wherever you go…but please, stop with the Woohoo every 5 seconds…it’s really annoying…”
Your turn now. Did I miss anything? Which type do you like to go to?